Our Approach to (Holiday) Gifting – We’re Not Total Gift Grinches!
Executive summary: While my husband and I don’t engage in gift giving for each other, we use a wishlist for others in our lives who do like to give gifts, and we often default to consumable items rather than durable goods to keep the clutter (and stress!) under control.
One question that self-proclaimed minimalists field on a regular basis is about gifts. Everyone has their own definition of minimalism and may practice it in a different way, but in our home, we do subscribe to a general “no gifts unless specifically requested” policy. It wasn’t always this way: when my husband and I met at 17, we were “normal people” who engaged in the social norm of gift giving for special occasions. We got each other books for our 18th birthdays (a nice safe gift for a new relationship, IMO, and a way to learn about each other). And more books for our first Christmas as a couple (ok, that was unimaginative – I guess we were really busy with first semester of college). From there, we branched out (e.g., a handmade scrapbook, an electronic photo keychain, DVDs in the pre-streaming era, etc.) and this persisted until sometime after we graduated college and got married. But the truth is, the vast majority of that stuff was junk that I can’t even remember – we probably tossed most of it when we moved out of our college apartment. Plus, I’m sure most people can relate to the stress of thinking up appropriate gifts multiple times a year (as the giver), or being afraid to part with an item because it was a gift (as the receiver). So we adopted a no gifting policy for each other and have never been tempted to look back.
This is a rare sight around our home, and usually limited to kids birthday parties.
The question is inevitably what we do when others (usually family members in our case) insist on buying gifts. I’m not an evangelist – I don’t tell people that giving gifts is bad, or rampant consumerism will destroy the environment, or anything like that. Instead, we make it known to our families that we don’t partake in gifting, but will provide them with a wishlist in case they really need an outlet (I understand that gifts are a love language for some people). These days, the items on the wishlist are almost all household goods, many of which we wouldn’t splurge on ourselves. For instance, we needed to replace our cheap 3-quart saucepan after a decade because it burned everything. So I told my mother-in-law we could use a new one, if she felt so inclined to take action. She got us an All Clad pan that I would’ve never shelled out for myself. It’ll count for both my birthday and Christmas this year. Or when my son turned one (it feels like 50 years ago), we asked for the Stokke high chair for him. I wouldn’t have paid for one if left to my own devices, but it’s nice to have a quality chair as a family gift. These items are useful, well-made, and special, which is as much as any durable good can aspire to!
With the holiday season in full swing, we have put out the kids’ wishlist to the families (I said we’re not total gift grinches! We do allow our children to receive gifts and toys, but we keep it to a slow burn). The grandparents all know well by now that if they get something that’s not on the list, it has to live at their house, for the kids to play with when they visit. We only take home the gifts that won a spot on our carefully considered list (some of it is a safety issue: we can’t have toys lying around that might be choking hazards for a baby/toddler).
We are even more lax with friends. I don’t go around telling people that we’re semi-gift grinches, so sometimes we do receive things (mostly limited to kids stuff though). We accept them with good grace, keep some of it (e.g., clothes, a fun toy, etc.), and donate the rest. We do also reciprocate with friends, because I’m not about to show up to a birthday party with nothing but a card saying, “your life philosophy doesn’t mesh with my life philosophy, so sorry, have a nice day.” But in general I like to gift consumables: for kids, this might be an arts & crafts kit or sticker book, something that gets “used up” instead of hanging around forever. For adults, I might bring wine or nice snacks, that sort of thing. It’s fun to mix up drinks at a party with a set of flavored bitters that we brought as a gift, or taste test single-origin chocolate bars, rather than guessing what kind of vase or bracelet or kitchen gadget someone might like (or honestly, might hate, unless you know them super well). I also feel that consumable items can be held to a lower standard: if the recipient doesn’t like it, they can try it and move on. And there’s never the fear that someone will ask after a consumable gift to know where it went. Low stress, low commitment – that’s a smart and simple solution to me.
Consumable gifts are my go-to, for kids as well as adults.
On the receiving side, I am happy to receive “experiences” as a consumable item, e.g., I’d be thrilled to take a day (or 20) of babysitting so my husband and I can have a single meal where we don’t have to cut food into bite-sized morsels or wipe up some small person’s messes. When I think about it, there are actually a hundred things I want in my day-to-day life (sleep, a date night, and a vacation immediately spring to mind) – if I could convert those desires into giftable items, then no one would ever run out of valued gifts to give us. Do you think anyone would bite if I put “Greek Isle island hopping” on my wishlist? Santa, are you listening?