Our Toy Sharing Philosophy (is a Work in Progress)
Executive summary: As unminimalist as duplicates are, sometimes I have to let my kids have one of each toy in the interest of simplifying my life, which is a different but also valid minimalist goal.
I was with baby girl at the playground the other day when I struck up a conversation with a pair of grandparents while we pushed our respective charges on the swings. When I mentioned that my 5yo son was at home (he’d rather watch TV than go to a “boring” playground), they asked me whether the kids play together and how they share toys. Being Chinese-Canadians, they wanted to know what the “American philosophy” is. In China, the expectation is for the older child to let the younger one get their way, built on the assumption that the younger child doesn’t know any better and the older one should show some grace. I hated this approach growing up — it always felt unfair to my 7 or 9 or 11yo self. Why should another kid (my cousin, a family friend, etc.) get away with murder just because they’re younger than me? I was determined to not follow this path with my own kids. But we need some set of consistent rules about sharing/playing together, so what should they be?
For now, we employ a Montessori principle I once came across online: all toys are community property (just like marriage assets in California), and whoever is playing with a toy gets to keep going until they decide to move on. I read that saying things like “5 more minutes, then it’s your sister’s turn” can backfire. Idk how much truth there is in that, or if this approach has somehow been rigorously tested with data, but I’m ok with trying it out unless/until it stops working. The problem is that it can be hard to define who’s currently playing with what, as the kids’ attention spans range from 2 seconds to 2 hours. If baby girl (also referred to as Todzilla around here) picks up a toy and drops it a minute later, is it fair game for big bro now, even if she just wants to run in a circle before coming back to it? Or if big bro makes a Lego creation that he wants to keep on display for a month, are those Legos out of commission until they are returned to the toy bin? I actually haven’t had to deal with those questions yet, mostly because Todzilla (at 1.5yo) doesn’t have super strong preferences on toys (she only screams if my 5yo tries to grab something out of her hands, which is obviously against the rules). I expect that sharing toys will only get harder in the near future. What happens if big bro’s untouchable Lego display has used up 80% of the pieces, so little sis can’t build what she wants? Or if both kids want to sleep with the same stuffed animal, doesn’t that necessitate taking time-bound turns?
What should be the rule for “hogging” toys for extended periods of time, like these Legos (Duplos, technically) on semi-permanent display?
I have an unminimalist confession to make: I double up on toys sometimes. I already admitted to this in my toy overview (see it here), but glossed over it, as it wasn’t the point of that post. I usually crusade against duplicates, but when it comes to unreasonable, tear-prone children … can I make the argument that it simplifies my life to have two of something rather than spending 10 minutes 4x a week soothing meltdowns because the kids want to play with the same toy at the same time?
One recent example of this is the stuffed cat we call Cosmo. The story goes: my son has a stuffed cat named Gus (thanks, grandma!) When Todzilla showed an interest in Gus, we got her a stuffed cat of her own (thanks again, grandma!) Enter Cosmo. Cosmo wasn’t special initially, but in the last several weeks, Cosmo has clearly become Todzilla’s favorite, and she likes to cuddle it for naps and bedtime. But my son also likes to have Cosmo for bedtime sometimes (along with Gus and an otter named Monty). His “bedtime stuffed animal formula” (of course that’s a thing, didn’t you know?) is otter + two of the same animal (e.g., dogs, cats, pandas), which he rotates through. We withheld Cosmo for a couple weeks, saying it was Todzilla’s cat, and he had Gus. But I could see how disappointed he was, so one night we let him have both cats and gave Todzilla the dogs instead. She was happy playing with them before bed, but we were woken up early the next morning by her crying for Cosmo, which she saw was in big bro’s bed (they share a room). I don’t want to literally lose sleep over this again, so I hopped on Amazon and ordered a twin ASAP. For the two days we were waiting for Cosmo Clone to be delivered, I would sneak into the bedroom at night and swap Cosmo (in my son’s bed) for a dog (in my daughter’s crib), so that she would wake up with Cosmo. In the morning, I told my son it was magic, and that made the sneaky switcheroo ok by him. I can’t believe how many tiny lies I’ve told and ridiculous things I’ve done since having kids in the name of keeping the peace. But the point of the story is that duplicates sometimes simplify our lives, and I don’t have a better answer right now for our toy sharing conundrum.
Hey, double Cosmo. You’re ruining my minimalist rap.
I can see other places where I might have to do the same thing. Maybe we need to double our Lego supply. Or our collection of toy cars (already in progress). None of this is ideal in my minimalist home, but it’s probably the easiest solution until the kids develop markedly different interests and no longer want the same toys. If there is a better toy sharing philosophy out there, please enlighten me! Preferably one that doesn’t require fibbing 10x a day, but then again, we lie to our kids about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy, so what does it matter that I blame magic for everything I don’t want my kids to make a scene over? ;-)